morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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