I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
