Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
