So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
