You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
