I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
