It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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