I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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