You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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