there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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