I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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