he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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