i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
