I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
