Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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