i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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