my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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