i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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