I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
