what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize