Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
