I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
