I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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