My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
