You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
