To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
