he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
