do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
