At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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