Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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