i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
accomplished twins. life is a go
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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