I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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