Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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