Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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