Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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