Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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