My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
