Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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