it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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