i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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