Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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