I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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