u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
