Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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