Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
