Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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