I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
