Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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