6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
