the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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