So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
