My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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