i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
