I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
