You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
