I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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