I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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