His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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